Sex and the city

I just watched a sex and the city episode and they were talking about break-ups (O.K. standard sex and the city angst) and one of them said the only to get over a breakup is to go out get drunk, cry to your girlfriends and get back in the game! I think that's true, after you break up with some one all your friends expect you to cry, drink to much and go home with inappropriate men. In fact they are right there to hold your hair when you drank too much and are puking over the nearest toilet, they hug you endlessly and tell you that you will meet someone better (whether you are sober or completely drunk).... oh and they will set you up or point you at anyone they think will make you feel better.

well I i am wondering why something so much more important than a break up (but trust me I know how bad those are) causes these same friends to run when I start to cry (if I have had a beer they assume I am drunk if I haven't it must be hormones or they left the water running the kitchen etc.). They can't sit and listen to me cry about how scared I am about the double mastectomy and having no nipples.

The same friends that would listen to me cry for hours about how much I loved him (whichever him broke my heart) and how I would never find anyone else now run away at the first sign of a tear drop.
I can't even manage to get out a full blown cry, you know those earth shattering cries that you have on your friends shoulder after you broke up with the perfect man (even though he was a jerk anyway), the cries that actually stop eventually by them selves unlike the ones I have to stop now because if I don't all of a sudden the dog will be hungry, the cat will need it's nails clipped, there is a dandelion in the front yard or some other emergency that has to be taken care of immediately .
 
Forget holding my hair back while I throw up! I can't even get them to talk about what it's going to be like when I lose all my hair. I have questions, like should I buy a wig or just get some scarves. I sew so I thought maybe we (at this point any of my friends will do, just one to help me through a part of this) could go to the fabric store and pick up fabrics and play around with different looks or maybe go get me a wig in a totally different color than my natural one ( I am a blond and I was thinking maybe red, bright red not a subtle strawberry blond or even maybe jet black) but as soon as that comes up they either cry (they are allowed to cry) or remember that the azaleas need to be watered. I will admit I have one friend that makes me laugh when we talk about wig shopping and I have another friend that I think would let me cry it all out over and over again endlessly if I needed to but I just recently met her online through a parrot site (we have African grey's and teddy bears among other things in common lol) but I can't do that to her! she has problems of her own and although she is great to me,  We are way across the country from each other and honestly I want those endless hugs (which I am SURE she would be fine with if we it weren't for geography) that I used to get for breaking up with some jerk, maybe I could tell them I was breaking up with my boobs and then they could handle it lol!

As far as pointing you to the next thing that might make you feel better, I can't even get an opinion on tattoos  ( I am thinking about getting a tattoo or two to cover the scars) because if they do nipple reconstruction it's just a tattoo anyway but once again I get no help. If I show them pictures they all say it's up to me! Where did my friends go that would all argue about what tattoo would look best on me?

I want the friends back that let me cry, held my hair back, had opinions on what color I should die my hair and what kind of  style I should wear it in not to mention whether or not I should get a tattoo, I wish I knew where they went.

How much can one person cry?

Well they had to postpone my surgery because when they did the urinary analysis they found e-coli in my system, I know e-coli doesn't that kill people?   I am now on the strongest antibiotics you can imagine, so I am sick and miserable but I guess in the long run it's going to make me healthy, I hope!

So now my surgery is rescheduled for the 14th of April. So noe I have will have had the cancer for four months before surgeryand I am pretty sure the longer I wait the worse the cancer gets.

To make everything a little worse I went out for saint paddy's day and my husband (for now he is being awful through this, but that's another post) brought his grandson. We were having such a wonderful time S (the grandson) was loving the bands and the bagpipes and the food.. When we decided to leave it was a little late about 11:00 we got there about 9:00, some guy out of the blue came up screaming at us about having a child so late, he started threatening my husband and when I said O.K. we are leaving just trying to pay the bill he called me a fat bitch! I am uncomfortable about my weight ever since my back surgery I have been about 40 pound's over weight and even though that hurt me the worst part of the night was the poor kid who was having a great time and his night ending with him shaking nd crying.

I will be back to tell you how the e-coli goes and if I can actually have the surgery in April, I hope everyone else is happy and well.

still crying

well surgery is a week today and I am terrified,, I really have no one to talk to, I guess this is why I started this blog because I figure that there are other people like me out there that needs  someone to talk to.

I gpt a call from the nurse today that of course I missed from the plastic surgeons office that said there was a problem with my urine culture. so who knows wrong with me know?

I am having lunch with my sister tomorrow, I rarely talk to my sister and this is gonna be tough, we lost our mom a couple of years ago so I can't exactly sit down and talk about the chances I have of dying and I have some chances , my oncologist is p really paranoid about a spot in my colon and now there is something wrong with my urine sample.

Who do I tell all this too ? My husband doesn't care (don't worry I don't blame him for that we have an odd relationship lol)  my friends all have the same "you are gonna be fine" answer, that is except my best friend and I can't tell her all this it will push her over the edge , she is trying her very best to hold on and just deal with the breast cancer I have told her about and there is so much she doesn't know!

oh well I will let you know more as soon  as I know more.

Why I can't stop crying

It started yesterday, and everything is making my cry, it isn't help that my husband is yelling at me about everything and I mean everything! I have been strong up until this point, I have laughed with my friends even said that at least now my boobs would be even (one was always a little smaller than the other), I went to Jamaica with my best friend and was happy when she went and had fun. I played it down to everyone so they wouldn't feel too bad. I got new clothes (I am a little fat thanks to my back surgery). I have been strong I have been the warrior!

Then yesterday I realized something that none of my friends have realized or don't want to think about and I can't blame them. Every day we watch the cheery adds with the pink ribbons and all the walks and the rally's and the happy smiling faces telling us it's going to be alright, everything is going to be fine nothing to worry about we have pink ribbons!

I suddenly realized that it doesn't matter how many pink ribbons I wear, I have cancer and on March 22nd 2011 8:30am (eight days from now) I am going to have both of my breasts removed and hope and pray that my lymph nodes are clean. I am going to wake up with no breasts and some silicone blow up bags where they used to be , I am going to have scars that will rival the bride of Frankenstein  and that is just my vanity talking. The really scary part is I could die from so many things at that point., it's almost too much to comprehend.

I thought about doing this alone but I am not sure I can handle waking up without someone who loves me being there, the only problem is the way my husband and I have been fighting lately I am not sure he is that person anymore and it's not just petty little fights something has changed, I can feel it.

I am crying a lot, so much I can't talk on the phone and it is very hard to see the keyboard at times. Death means so many different things. I could just die from the anesthesia, it could have spread to my lymph nodes, I could get an infection, the what if's are endless and I can't  comprehend them all.

See no matter what happens when I wake up that day a part of me, the person I am right now, will be dead and gone hopefully the person that replaces her is strong and fearless and a true warrior, because the next part is going to cause lots of reasons to be fearless .... chemo, radiation, my hair falling out, my eyebrows falling out, just a whole new set of fun to deal with. I think that might be why I can't stop crying

well I have my last appointment with my oncologist before my surgery next week in about an hour so I guess I will say good bye and good luck for now.

The closer it gets

I get more afraid every day,  I hope this is not freaking anyone out! I wanted to help other people by going through this without being scared and just being tough. but now I am scared. I don't want to scare anyone else, I am hoping that when it done I will be able to tell people how easy it was and that all this fear was just silly lol.  I also hope for this moment in time you will "bear" (I know a good friend that will get the bear in quotes)  with me while I whine  and am afraid of everything I am going I am going to lose and not just my boobs lol! I think I am going to lose my husband, don't feel bad that was going to happen anyway. That's a long story I am not willing to talk about except with close friends yet.

I started this blog so I could spill my guts to no one in particular, but I hoped that the ones that read it would feel better and I could help them through the process, I still hope I can do that and I guess part of the process is being is being scared and depressed but if I can beat those emotions then so can you.

Two weeks to go and I hope I can give some of you hope because we all need each other to give us all hope. I have said this before but you never know when you are gonna meet a friend that you suddenly realize you needed all along. I did in the oddest place and maybe we can all meet one here, it's gonna be tough because this blog is not registered and hard to find but iif you find it maybe I can help.
good health to all
M.

thr fear, the sleep and the "friends"

Have you noticed that the the closer you get to the big day (mastectomy) all the friends that you were sure  were going  to be right by your side suddenly can't be there that day? I understand life goes on whether I am having my boobs removed or not. The world doesn't revolve around me and I am not sure I want them there at all but the fact they can't be there hurts me a lot.

I thought that my husband might go with me this weekend since he is off for a few days around that time and I figured we could drive half way and stay at my friends house for the night and finish the drive the next day (it's only a nine hour trip total) but apparently that is too much for him to do.

I think he might be frightened too but it comes across as if he doesn't care at all, I wish he would either tell me he is scared or he doesn't care. I think it would be so much better to know.
  
it can be so easy for everyone to patronize me and tell me I am going to be ok but I don't need that right now, in fact in the next few weeks I hope to give you some great information about how to never end up in my position and what to do if you get here (let's hope you never do)

and the closer it comes to the day the harder it is to sleep, I can't stop thinking about the surgery
and how my friends are going to treat me when I have no boobs and no hair and no eyebrows? Actually I wonder how I am going to treat myself, wow now that's a big question! Am I going to make my self invisible, will I hide from the world , or will I be a warrior , I have been reading a blog that makes me think I might have that kind of strength.or maybe we can give each each other strength,
love and hope to all

Teddy bears

This is going to be a short post but I can't resist telling this story. The day after I got home my husband was expecting a bunch of packages so he kept looking outside for new ones, well he comes up with 3 or 4 and I wasn't paying too much attention until he went to open one and suddenly I noticed and said "HEY THAT HAS MY NAME ON IT" so I opened it and a friend of mine that I just recently met through an African grey site (we both own African greys) sent me the most awesome Teddy bear.

It was all decked out in a pink fuzzy robe, pink and white bunny slippers lol and little pink bows in her ears and the note said "this is for the days you don't feel like getting up and just want lay around in your your robe and cuddle something"

How sweet is that? It just goes to show you never know when or where you are going to meet someone that changes your life. I met someone on a bird board that won't let me give up and hopefully I can offer some of that hope to some of you