As the date of the surgery gets closer and I get a little more freaked out every day. I can't explain the feeling I have to anyone I know, I have tried over and over again in small doses and they just can't handle it so mostly I am left to deal with these feelings pretty much alone. I talked a good friend tonight and he knows that I am going to Jamaica for a few days before the surgery and I tried to tell him about how scared I was about the two doctors disagreeing on the size and treatment of the cancer but he couldn't handle it he kept giving me advice about Ocho Rios (where we are going) I have been there a few times and don't need advice about that, I need ad vice about my friends coming to the surgery.
That's my big problem now, I have friends coming out of the woodwork that want to be there for surgery and I don't think I want anyone there. I am gong to by crying and pain and I don't hink I can handle the pity I will see in their eyes, I can barely handle the pressure of this by myself I don't want to have to tell anyone else that I am going to be fine. I don't know if I am going to be fine, hell I don't know if I am gonna live so hoe do I keep telling everyone I am gonna be fine..
well I guess the next person that says "I am gonna be there for you" I am going to have to tell them no and I just don't know how to do that.
oh well just like everything it's all new and I will figure it ou.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
this is gonna be short beceause I am freaked
the doc here now thinks know thinks it's 3 centimeters. remember this guy that told me it was a milimeter (once again same films) and I should start chemo right away and I still haven't met the oncologist here , he doesn't seem to happy about my second opinion although he did offer to refer me to a couple of his buds for a second, or I guess third opinion,
well I have a lot more to tell you about about today but at the moment I just want to put my head down and cry, My mom always said this and I will probably say it a lot in the near future "doctors differ and patients die"
I will go on and tell this story till the end and if anyone needs to talk I promise to to be better that my friends, who mean well but throw platitudes at me "you are too strong for this" "we will get through this together" "only the good die young" (I am fond of that one) and so on. I can't take care of them I can't wipe away their tears; I need someone to just let me cry and be scared and none of them seem to be able to do that because they are also scared. I don't need them to fix me I just need someone to listen to me freak out and cry.
So for an of you as scared and freaked out as I am please let me know and maybe w can help each other and for those of yo that don't know how to deal with someone in this condition maybe we can help you too.
talk to you soon MaryLouise
well I have a lot more to tell you about about today but at the moment I just want to put my head down and cry, My mom always said this and I will probably say it a lot in the near future "doctors differ and patients die"
I will go on and tell this story till the end and if anyone needs to talk I promise to to be better that my friends, who mean well but throw platitudes at me "you are too strong for this" "we will get through this together" "only the good die young" (I am fond of that one) and so on. I can't take care of them I can't wipe away their tears; I need someone to just let me cry and be scared and none of them seem to be able to do that because they are also scared. I don't need them to fix me I just need someone to listen to me freak out and cry.
So for an of you as scared and freaked out as I am please let me know and maybe w can help each other and for those of yo that don't know how to deal with someone in this condition maybe we can help you too.
talk to you soon MaryLouise
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Talking to the doctor
This Wednesday I am going to see the first surgeon that I saw, he wants me to meet his oncologist. I think that's a good thing since this surgeon thinks the aggressive cancer is only a millimeter and the oncologist at the cancer center thinks it is 8 centimeters. As far as I can tell from the phone conversations I have had with doctor they are now thinking about giving me chemo before the surgery. Now I am not sure about all of you but the chemo scares me more that the surgery.
I don't want black veins and a bald head and in fact one of the things that scare me the most is if they can reconstruct my boob I will never be able to feel there and I will never have a real nipple again. My friends try to cheer me up with the ideas of cool tattoos there instead (I have always wanted a tattoo I just never knew where ) and I laugh with them because it's funny and I don't want to depress them., but deep down I want to cry. I never knew I was this attached to my breast and especially my nipple.
Well so far I see the one one surgeon an Wednesday on the other one on the 23rd of February the day after I get back from Jamaica, yes I had already booked this trip and I am going with P before I do any surgery, this is going to be the last time I go anywhere with all of my parts and I plan to get the lowest cut bathing suit that I can wear.what worries is I have been wanting to take her forever and have some fun now I wonder how to keep this off my mind for five days. so that shee can have the best trip of her life.
Any ideas would help and I will fill you in with happens next.
We can survive this if we have each other to talk on to.
I don't want black veins and a bald head and in fact one of the things that scare me the most is if they can reconstruct my boob I will never be able to feel there and I will never have a real nipple again. My friends try to cheer me up with the ideas of cool tattoos there instead (I have always wanted a tattoo I just never knew where ) and I laugh with them because it's funny and I don't want to depress them., but deep down I want to cry. I never knew I was this attached to my breast and especially my nipple.
Well so far I see the one one surgeon an Wednesday on the other one on the 23rd of February the day after I get back from Jamaica, yes I had already booked this trip and I am going with P before I do any surgery, this is going to be the last time I go anywhere with all of my parts and I plan to get the lowest cut bathing suit that I can wear.what worries is I have been wanting to take her forever and have some fun now I wonder how to keep this off my mind for five days. so that shee can have the best trip of her life.
Any ideas would help and I will fill you in with happens next.
We can survive this if we have each other to talk on to.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I'ts the kind of cancer you want to have
HI I am 44 year old female and this begins the story of my breast cancer, I hope it helps some people, inspires others and possibly gets a few of us some well deserved answers not to mention a chuckle or two because we all need those.
Well I started off with a mammogram which led to an ultrasound which in turn let to a biopsy, as it turns out I have 3 lumps 2 the are qualifying as calcifications one seems to be a benign lump; all of the films are going to be sent to my gynecologist (whom I have only met once).
A few days later the gynecologist calls me, he calls not his nurse, the answer is it is cancer but he says if I have to have to have cancer this is the type to have (think that was supposed to make me feel better) and he recommended me to a surgeon.
Days later I meet the surgeon, now mind you up until this point I just know this is not happening to me and the surgeon is going to say this is all a mistake, the surgeon says a lot of things I don't understand but I do understand that I need a mastectomy as soon as possible and would I make an appointment for next week. I ask about the options for a lumpectomy and he said I can go have a contrast MRI, so grasping at straws I schedule that.
I show up for the MRI hobbling down the long hall, I hobble a lot because I have recently had back surgery and hobbling works for me lol. Well after I make it to the MRI room and the radiologist finds a vein (mine are very difficult, just like me I guess) He tells me that after the surgery the might never be able to use the veins for iv's or taking blood again in that arm but no idea why that would be.
After a weekend (and obviously no new answers) a good friend of mine talks me into going to a cancer treatment center for a second opinion, which I do and I guess the rest of my story starts there.
So that you all know I haven't really cried yet, I have no one to cry to and while that sounds really bad , I have some wonderful friends I mean the best of the best of friends. they best of which I am gonna call P just in case people I know read this, well P has a very busy life and the fact that she can't be here with me kills her, so I start a long line (well as long as month and a half is) of telling people "I will be fine don't worry about me only the good die young I will be here forever" The rest of my friends are just as fragile, some I have been helping for years and my sister A we lost our mother about 2 years ago she can't take it. I could go on but I won't.
I am going to let this incredibly long post stop here but I plan to post updates a lot and before you feel sorry for me please laugh with me at some of the silly things I get asked and will get askedand be angry with the things that make me angry and most of all let's share some information.
love to all
M.L.
Well I started off with a mammogram which led to an ultrasound which in turn let to a biopsy, as it turns out I have 3 lumps 2 the are qualifying as calcifications one seems to be a benign lump; all of the films are going to be sent to my gynecologist (whom I have only met once).
A few days later the gynecologist calls me, he calls not his nurse, the answer is it is cancer but he says if I have to have to have cancer this is the type to have (think that was supposed to make me feel better) and he recommended me to a surgeon.
Days later I meet the surgeon, now mind you up until this point I just know this is not happening to me and the surgeon is going to say this is all a mistake, the surgeon says a lot of things I don't understand but I do understand that I need a mastectomy as soon as possible and would I make an appointment for next week. I ask about the options for a lumpectomy and he said I can go have a contrast MRI, so grasping at straws I schedule that.
I show up for the MRI hobbling down the long hall, I hobble a lot because I have recently had back surgery and hobbling works for me lol. Well after I make it to the MRI room and the radiologist finds a vein (mine are very difficult, just like me I guess) He tells me that after the surgery the might never be able to use the veins for iv's or taking blood again in that arm but no idea why that would be.
After a weekend (and obviously no new answers) a good friend of mine talks me into going to a cancer treatment center for a second opinion, which I do and I guess the rest of my story starts there.
So that you all know I haven't really cried yet, I have no one to cry to and while that sounds really bad , I have some wonderful friends I mean the best of the best of friends. they best of which I am gonna call P just in case people I know read this, well P has a very busy life and the fact that she can't be here with me kills her, so I start a long line (well as long as month and a half is) of telling people "I will be fine don't worry about me only the good die young I will be here forever" The rest of my friends are just as fragile, some I have been helping for years and my sister A we lost our mother about 2 years ago she can't take it. I could go on but I won't.
I am going to let this incredibly long post stop here but I plan to post updates a lot and before you feel sorry for me please laugh with me at some of the silly things I get asked and will get askedand be angry with the things that make me angry and most of all let's share some information.
love to all
M.L.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)