I just watched a sex and the city episode and they were talking about break-ups (O.K. standard sex and the city angst) and one of them said the only to get over a breakup is to go out get drunk, cry to your girlfriends and get back in the game! I think that's true, after you break up with some one all your friends expect you to cry, drink to much and go home with inappropriate men. In fact they are right there to hold your hair when you drank too much and are puking over the nearest toilet, they hug you endlessly and tell you that you will meet someone better (whether you are sober or completely drunk).... oh and they will set you up or point you at anyone they think will make you feel better.
well I i am wondering why something so much more important than a break up (but trust me I know how bad those are) causes these same friends to run when I start to cry (if I have had a beer they assume I am drunk if I haven't it must be hormones or they left the water running the kitchen etc.). They can't sit and listen to me cry about how scared I am about the double mastectomy and having no nipples.
The same friends that would listen to me cry for hours about how much I loved him (whichever him broke my heart) and how I would never find anyone else now run away at the first sign of a tear drop.
I can't even manage to get out a full blown cry, you know those earth shattering cries that you have on your friends shoulder after you broke up with the perfect man (even though he was a jerk anyway), the cries that actually stop eventually by them selves unlike the ones I have to stop now because if I don't all of a sudden the dog will be hungry, the cat will need it's nails clipped, there is a dandelion in the front yard or some other emergency that has to be taken care of immediately .
Forget holding my hair back while I throw up! I can't even get them to talk about what it's going to be like when I lose all my hair. I have questions, like should I buy a wig or just get some scarves. I sew so I thought maybe we (at this point any of my friends will do, just one to help me through a part of this) could go to the fabric store and pick up fabrics and play around with different looks or maybe go get me a wig in a totally different color than my natural one ( I am a blond and I was thinking maybe red, bright red not a subtle strawberry blond or even maybe jet black) but as soon as that comes up they either cry (they are allowed to cry) or remember that the azaleas need to be watered. I will admit I have one friend that makes me laugh when we talk about wig shopping and I have another friend that I think would let me cry it all out over and over again endlessly if I needed to but I just recently met her online through a parrot site (we have African grey's and teddy bears among other things in common lol) but I can't do that to her! she has problems of her own and although she is great to me, We are way across the country from each other and honestly I want those endless hugs (which I am SURE she would be fine with if we it weren't for geography) that I used to get for breaking up with some jerk, maybe I could tell them I was breaking up with my boobs and then they could handle it lol!
As far as pointing you to the next thing that might make you feel better, I can't even get an opinion on tattoos ( I am thinking about getting a tattoo or two to cover the scars) because if they do nipple reconstruction it's just a tattoo anyway but once again I get no help. If I show them pictures they all say it's up to me! Where did my friends go that would all argue about what tattoo would look best on me?
I want the friends back that let me cry, held my hair back, had opinions on what color I should die my hair and what kind of style I should wear it in not to mention whether or not I should get a tattoo, I wish I knew where they went.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
How much can one person cry?
Well they had to postpone my surgery because when they did the urinary analysis they found e-coli in my system, I know e-coli doesn't that kill people? I am now on the strongest antibiotics you can imagine, so I am sick and miserable but I guess in the long run it's going to make me healthy, I hope!
So now my surgery is rescheduled for the 14th of April. So noe I have will have had the cancer for four months before surgeryand I am pretty sure the longer I wait the worse the cancer gets.
To make everything a little worse I went out for saint paddy's day and my husband (for now he is being awful through this, but that's another post) brought his grandson. We were having such a wonderful time S (the grandson) was loving the bands and the bagpipes and the food.. When we decided to leave it was a little late about 11:00 we got there about 9:00, some guy out of the blue came up screaming at us about having a child so late, he started threatening my husband and when I said O.K. we are leaving just trying to pay the bill he called me a fat bitch! I am uncomfortable about my weight ever since my back surgery I have been about 40 pound's over weight and even though that hurt me the worst part of the night was the poor kid who was having a great time and his night ending with him shaking nd crying.
I will be back to tell you how the e-coli goes and if I can actually have the surgery in April, I hope everyone else is happy and well.
So now my surgery is rescheduled for the 14th of April. So noe I have will have had the cancer for four months before surgeryand I am pretty sure the longer I wait the worse the cancer gets.
To make everything a little worse I went out for saint paddy's day and my husband (for now he is being awful through this, but that's another post) brought his grandson. We were having such a wonderful time S (the grandson) was loving the bands and the bagpipes and the food.. When we decided to leave it was a little late about 11:00 we got there about 9:00, some guy out of the blue came up screaming at us about having a child so late, he started threatening my husband and when I said O.K. we are leaving just trying to pay the bill he called me a fat bitch! I am uncomfortable about my weight ever since my back surgery I have been about 40 pound's over weight and even though that hurt me the worst part of the night was the poor kid who was having a great time and his night ending with him shaking nd crying.
I will be back to tell you how the e-coli goes and if I can actually have the surgery in April, I hope everyone else is happy and well.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
still crying
well surgery is a week today and I am terrified,, I really have no one to talk to, I guess this is why I started this blog because I figure that there are other people like me out there that needs someone to talk to.
I gpt a call from the nurse today that of course I missed from the plastic surgeons office that said there was a problem with my urine culture. so who knows wrong with me know?
I am having lunch with my sister tomorrow, I rarely talk to my sister and this is gonna be tough, we lost our mom a couple of years ago so I can't exactly sit down and talk about the chances I have of dying and I have some chances , my oncologist is p really paranoid about a spot in my colon and now there is something wrong with my urine sample.
Who do I tell all this too ? My husband doesn't care (don't worry I don't blame him for that we have an odd relationship lol) my friends all have the same "you are gonna be fine" answer, that is except my best friend and I can't tell her all this it will push her over the edge , she is trying her very best to hold on and just deal with the breast cancer I have told her about and there is so much she doesn't know!
oh well I will let you know more as soon as I know more.
I gpt a call from the nurse today that of course I missed from the plastic surgeons office that said there was a problem with my urine culture. so who knows wrong with me know?
I am having lunch with my sister tomorrow, I rarely talk to my sister and this is gonna be tough, we lost our mom a couple of years ago so I can't exactly sit down and talk about the chances I have of dying and I have some chances , my oncologist is p really paranoid about a spot in my colon and now there is something wrong with my urine sample.
Who do I tell all this too ? My husband doesn't care (don't worry I don't blame him for that we have an odd relationship lol) my friends all have the same "you are gonna be fine" answer, that is except my best friend and I can't tell her all this it will push her over the edge , she is trying her very best to hold on and just deal with the breast cancer I have told her about and there is so much she doesn't know!
oh well I will let you know more as soon as I know more.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Why I can't stop crying
It started yesterday, and everything is making my cry, it isn't help that my husband is yelling at me about everything and I mean everything! I have been strong up until this point, I have laughed with my friends even said that at least now my boobs would be even (one was always a little smaller than the other), I went to Jamaica with my best friend and was happy when she went and had fun. I played it down to everyone so they wouldn't feel too bad. I got new clothes (I am a little fat thanks to my back surgery). I have been strong I have been the warrior!
Then yesterday I realized something that none of my friends have realized or don't want to think about and I can't blame them. Every day we watch the cheery adds with the pink ribbons and all the walks and the rally's and the happy smiling faces telling us it's going to be alright, everything is going to be fine nothing to worry about we have pink ribbons!
I suddenly realized that it doesn't matter how many pink ribbons I wear, I have cancer and on March 22nd 2011 8:30am (eight days from now) I am going to have both of my breasts removed and hope and pray that my lymph nodes are clean. I am going to wake up with no breasts and some silicone blow up bags where they used to be , I am going to have scars that will rival the bride of Frankenstein and that is just my vanity talking. The really scary part is I could die from so many things at that point., it's almost too much to comprehend.
I thought about doing this alone but I am not sure I can handle waking up without someone who loves me being there, the only problem is the way my husband and I have been fighting lately I am not sure he is that person anymore and it's not just petty little fights something has changed, I can feel it.
I am crying a lot, so much I can't talk on the phone and it is very hard to see the keyboard at times. Death means so many different things. I could just die from the anesthesia, it could have spread to my lymph nodes, I could get an infection, the what if's are endless and I can't comprehend them all.
See no matter what happens when I wake up that day a part of me, the person I am right now, will be dead and gone hopefully the person that replaces her is strong and fearless and a true warrior, because the next part is going to cause lots of reasons to be fearless .... chemo, radiation, my hair falling out, my eyebrows falling out, just a whole new set of fun to deal with. I think that might be why I can't stop crying
well I have my last appointment with my oncologist before my surgery next week in about an hour so I guess I will say good bye and good luck for now.
Then yesterday I realized something that none of my friends have realized or don't want to think about and I can't blame them. Every day we watch the cheery adds with the pink ribbons and all the walks and the rally's and the happy smiling faces telling us it's going to be alright, everything is going to be fine nothing to worry about we have pink ribbons!
I suddenly realized that it doesn't matter how many pink ribbons I wear, I have cancer and on March 22nd 2011 8:30am (eight days from now) I am going to have both of my breasts removed and hope and pray that my lymph nodes are clean. I am going to wake up with no breasts and some silicone blow up bags where they used to be , I am going to have scars that will rival the bride of Frankenstein and that is just my vanity talking. The really scary part is I could die from so many things at that point., it's almost too much to comprehend.
I thought about doing this alone but I am not sure I can handle waking up without someone who loves me being there, the only problem is the way my husband and I have been fighting lately I am not sure he is that person anymore and it's not just petty little fights something has changed, I can feel it.
I am crying a lot, so much I can't talk on the phone and it is very hard to see the keyboard at times. Death means so many different things. I could just die from the anesthesia, it could have spread to my lymph nodes, I could get an infection, the what if's are endless and I can't comprehend them all.
See no matter what happens when I wake up that day a part of me, the person I am right now, will be dead and gone hopefully the person that replaces her is strong and fearless and a true warrior, because the next part is going to cause lots of reasons to be fearless .... chemo, radiation, my hair falling out, my eyebrows falling out, just a whole new set of fun to deal with. I think that might be why I can't stop crying
well I have my last appointment with my oncologist before my surgery next week in about an hour so I guess I will say good bye and good luck for now.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The closer it gets
I get more afraid every day, I hope this is not freaking anyone out! I wanted to help other people by going through this without being scared and just being tough. but now I am scared. I don't want to scare anyone else, I am hoping that when it done I will be able to tell people how easy it was and that all this fear was just silly lol. I also hope for this moment in time you will "bear" (I know a good friend that will get the bear in quotes) with me while I whine and am afraid of everything I am going I am going to lose and not just my boobs lol! I think I am going to lose my husband, don't feel bad that was going to happen anyway. That's a long story I am not willing to talk about except with close friends yet.
I started this blog so I could spill my guts to no one in particular, but I hoped that the ones that read it would feel better and I could help them through the process, I still hope I can do that and I guess part of the process is being is being scared and depressed but if I can beat those emotions then so can you.
Two weeks to go and I hope I can give some of you hope because we all need each other to give us all hope. I have said this before but you never know when you are gonna meet a friend that you suddenly realize you needed all along. I did in the oddest place and maybe we can all meet one here, it's gonna be tough because this blog is not registered and hard to find but iif you find it maybe I can help.
good health to all
M.
I started this blog so I could spill my guts to no one in particular, but I hoped that the ones that read it would feel better and I could help them through the process, I still hope I can do that and I guess part of the process is being is being scared and depressed but if I can beat those emotions then so can you.
Two weeks to go and I hope I can give some of you hope because we all need each other to give us all hope. I have said this before but you never know when you are gonna meet a friend that you suddenly realize you needed all along. I did in the oddest place and maybe we can all meet one here, it's gonna be tough because this blog is not registered and hard to find but iif you find it maybe I can help.
good health to all
M.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
thr fear, the sleep and the "friends"
Have you noticed that the the closer you get to the big day (mastectomy) all the friends that you were sure were going to be right by your side suddenly can't be there that day? I understand life goes on whether I am having my boobs removed or not. The world doesn't revolve around me and I am not sure I want them there at all but the fact they can't be there hurts me a lot.
I thought that my husband might go with me this weekend since he is off for a few days around that time and I figured we could drive half way and stay at my friends house for the night and finish the drive the next day (it's only a nine hour trip total) but apparently that is too much for him to do.
I think he might be frightened too but it comes across as if he doesn't care at all, I wish he would either tell me he is scared or he doesn't care. I think it would be so much better to know.
it can be so easy for everyone to patronize me and tell me I am going to be ok but I don't need that right now, in fact in the next few weeks I hope to give you some great information about how to never end up in my position and what to do if you get here (let's hope you never do)
and the closer it comes to the day the harder it is to sleep, I can't stop thinking about the surgery
and how my friends are going to treat me when I have no boobs and no hair and no eyebrows? Actually I wonder how I am going to treat myself, wow now that's a big question! Am I going to make my self invisible, will I hide from the world , or will I be a warrior , I have been reading a blog that makes me think I might have that kind of strength.or maybe we can give each each other strength,
love and hope to all
I thought that my husband might go with me this weekend since he is off for a few days around that time and I figured we could drive half way and stay at my friends house for the night and finish the drive the next day (it's only a nine hour trip total) but apparently that is too much for him to do.
I think he might be frightened too but it comes across as if he doesn't care at all, I wish he would either tell me he is scared or he doesn't care. I think it would be so much better to know.
it can be so easy for everyone to patronize me and tell me I am going to be ok but I don't need that right now, in fact in the next few weeks I hope to give you some great information about how to never end up in my position and what to do if you get here (let's hope you never do)
and the closer it comes to the day the harder it is to sleep, I can't stop thinking about the surgery
and how my friends are going to treat me when I have no boobs and no hair and no eyebrows? Actually I wonder how I am going to treat myself, wow now that's a big question! Am I going to make my self invisible, will I hide from the world , or will I be a warrior , I have been reading a blog that makes me think I might have that kind of strength.or maybe we can give each each other strength,
love and hope to all
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Teddy bears
This is going to be a short post but I can't resist telling this story. The day after I got home my husband was expecting a bunch of packages so he kept looking outside for new ones, well he comes up with 3 or 4 and I wasn't paying too much attention until he went to open one and suddenly I noticed and said "HEY THAT HAS MY NAME ON IT" so I opened it and a friend of mine that I just recently met through an African grey site (we both own African greys) sent me the most awesome Teddy bear.
It was all decked out in a pink fuzzy robe, pink and white bunny slippers lol and little pink bows in her ears and the note said "this is for the days you don't feel like getting up and just want lay around in your your robe and cuddle something"
How sweet is that? It just goes to show you never know when or where you are going to meet someone that changes your life. I met someone on a bird board that won't let me give up and hopefully I can offer some of that hope to some of you
It was all decked out in a pink fuzzy robe, pink and white bunny slippers lol and little pink bows in her ears and the note said "this is for the days you don't feel like getting up and just want lay around in your your robe and cuddle something"
How sweet is that? It just goes to show you never know when or where you are going to meet someone that changes your life. I met someone on a bird board that won't let me give up and hopefully I can offer some of that hope to some of you
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Back From Jamaica
Well we had fun in Jamaica, mostly I stared at the ocean and thought, my friends don't seem to realize how much I have to thinks about. I did make some decisions! I decided to have the double mastectomy, that was a tough decision and my husband was not pleased, apparently at least having one real boob made him happier, that made me cry, because I was thinking that is I had the double mastectomy I might never get the cancer back and save ny life!
I got the same response from a lot of my friends, they don't mean to but they hurt my feelings everyday and I keep trying not to hurt theirs because they don't mean to hurt me they just don't know what to say and I know it's hard for them too, but I just want to scream sometimes HEY GUYS I H AVE CANCER.
Anyway onto new new news I am having the surgery on the 22nd of march and they are going to remove both my breasts (no not scared at all) and the plastic surgeon is going to start the process of giving them back, I hear it's about a 7 to 8 hour surgery and then I still have a long way to go, I have to go back every month or so tho have the saline bags blown more and more until they are way bigger (huge) than they are supposed to be so the skin can stretch enough to lie naturally.
Well that's the news for today this weekend I have to go and meet the psychiatrist because apparently some people get depressed after they have their boobs removed (ya think?) so I should have someone to talk to about this odd depression that happens after a double mastectomy. I am a little curious about how they are going to explain the cause of this depression(seriously they are going to explain that to me)
Anyway I will be back withmore thoughts, feelings and news!
With luck I will still be talking to ya'll in a month.
I got the same response from a lot of my friends, they don't mean to but they hurt my feelings everyday and I keep trying not to hurt theirs because they don't mean to hurt me they just don't know what to say and I know it's hard for them too, but I just want to scream sometimes HEY GUYS I H AVE CANCER.
Anyway onto new new news I am having the surgery on the 22nd of march and they are going to remove both my breasts (no not scared at all) and the plastic surgeon is going to start the process of giving them back, I hear it's about a 7 to 8 hour surgery and then I still have a long way to go, I have to go back every month or so tho have the saline bags blown more and more until they are way bigger (huge) than they are supposed to be so the skin can stretch enough to lie naturally.
Well that's the news for today this weekend I have to go and meet the psychiatrist because apparently some people get depressed after they have their boobs removed (ya think?) so I should have someone to talk to about this odd depression that happens after a double mastectomy. I am a little curious about how they are going to explain the cause of this depression(seriously they are going to explain that to me)
Anyway I will be back withmore thoughts, feelings and news!
With luck I will still be talking to ya'll in a month.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I am going to be there too
As the date of the surgery gets closer and I get a little more freaked out every day. I can't explain the feeling I have to anyone I know, I have tried over and over again in small doses and they just can't handle it so mostly I am left to deal with these feelings pretty much alone. I talked a good friend tonight and he knows that I am going to Jamaica for a few days before the surgery and I tried to tell him about how scared I was about the two doctors disagreeing on the size and treatment of the cancer but he couldn't handle it he kept giving me advice about Ocho Rios (where we are going) I have been there a few times and don't need advice about that, I need ad vice about my friends coming to the surgery.
That's my big problem now, I have friends coming out of the woodwork that want to be there for surgery and I don't think I want anyone there. I am gong to by crying and pain and I don't hink I can handle the pity I will see in their eyes, I can barely handle the pressure of this by myself I don't want to have to tell anyone else that I am going to be fine. I don't know if I am going to be fine, hell I don't know if I am gonna live so hoe do I keep telling everyone I am gonna be fine..
well I guess the next person that says "I am gonna be there for you" I am going to have to tell them no and I just don't know how to do that.
oh well just like everything it's all new and I will figure it ou.
That's my big problem now, I have friends coming out of the woodwork that want to be there for surgery and I don't think I want anyone there. I am gong to by crying and pain and I don't hink I can handle the pity I will see in their eyes, I can barely handle the pressure of this by myself I don't want to have to tell anyone else that I am going to be fine. I don't know if I am going to be fine, hell I don't know if I am gonna live so hoe do I keep telling everyone I am gonna be fine..
well I guess the next person that says "I am gonna be there for you" I am going to have to tell them no and I just don't know how to do that.
oh well just like everything it's all new and I will figure it ou.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
this is gonna be short beceause I am freaked
the doc here now thinks know thinks it's 3 centimeters. remember this guy that told me it was a milimeter (once again same films) and I should start chemo right away and I still haven't met the oncologist here , he doesn't seem to happy about my second opinion although he did offer to refer me to a couple of his buds for a second, or I guess third opinion,
well I have a lot more to tell you about about today but at the moment I just want to put my head down and cry, My mom always said this and I will probably say it a lot in the near future "doctors differ and patients die"
I will go on and tell this story till the end and if anyone needs to talk I promise to to be better that my friends, who mean well but throw platitudes at me "you are too strong for this" "we will get through this together" "only the good die young" (I am fond of that one) and so on. I can't take care of them I can't wipe away their tears; I need someone to just let me cry and be scared and none of them seem to be able to do that because they are also scared. I don't need them to fix me I just need someone to listen to me freak out and cry.
So for an of you as scared and freaked out as I am please let me know and maybe w can help each other and for those of yo that don't know how to deal with someone in this condition maybe we can help you too.
talk to you soon MaryLouise
well I have a lot more to tell you about about today but at the moment I just want to put my head down and cry, My mom always said this and I will probably say it a lot in the near future "doctors differ and patients die"
I will go on and tell this story till the end and if anyone needs to talk I promise to to be better that my friends, who mean well but throw platitudes at me "you are too strong for this" "we will get through this together" "only the good die young" (I am fond of that one) and so on. I can't take care of them I can't wipe away their tears; I need someone to just let me cry and be scared and none of them seem to be able to do that because they are also scared. I don't need them to fix me I just need someone to listen to me freak out and cry.
So for an of you as scared and freaked out as I am please let me know and maybe w can help each other and for those of yo that don't know how to deal with someone in this condition maybe we can help you too.
talk to you soon MaryLouise
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Talking to the doctor
This Wednesday I am going to see the first surgeon that I saw, he wants me to meet his oncologist. I think that's a good thing since this surgeon thinks the aggressive cancer is only a millimeter and the oncologist at the cancer center thinks it is 8 centimeters. As far as I can tell from the phone conversations I have had with doctor they are now thinking about giving me chemo before the surgery. Now I am not sure about all of you but the chemo scares me more that the surgery.
I don't want black veins and a bald head and in fact one of the things that scare me the most is if they can reconstruct my boob I will never be able to feel there and I will never have a real nipple again. My friends try to cheer me up with the ideas of cool tattoos there instead (I have always wanted a tattoo I just never knew where ) and I laugh with them because it's funny and I don't want to depress them., but deep down I want to cry. I never knew I was this attached to my breast and especially my nipple.
Well so far I see the one one surgeon an Wednesday on the other one on the 23rd of February the day after I get back from Jamaica, yes I had already booked this trip and I am going with P before I do any surgery, this is going to be the last time I go anywhere with all of my parts and I plan to get the lowest cut bathing suit that I can wear.what worries is I have been wanting to take her forever and have some fun now I wonder how to keep this off my mind for five days. so that shee can have the best trip of her life.
Any ideas would help and I will fill you in with happens next.
We can survive this if we have each other to talk on to.
I don't want black veins and a bald head and in fact one of the things that scare me the most is if they can reconstruct my boob I will never be able to feel there and I will never have a real nipple again. My friends try to cheer me up with the ideas of cool tattoos there instead (I have always wanted a tattoo I just never knew where ) and I laugh with them because it's funny and I don't want to depress them., but deep down I want to cry. I never knew I was this attached to my breast and especially my nipple.
Well so far I see the one one surgeon an Wednesday on the other one on the 23rd of February the day after I get back from Jamaica, yes I had already booked this trip and I am going with P before I do any surgery, this is going to be the last time I go anywhere with all of my parts and I plan to get the lowest cut bathing suit that I can wear.what worries is I have been wanting to take her forever and have some fun now I wonder how to keep this off my mind for five days. so that shee can have the best trip of her life.
Any ideas would help and I will fill you in with happens next.
We can survive this if we have each other to talk on to.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I'ts the kind of cancer you want to have
HI I am 44 year old female and this begins the story of my breast cancer, I hope it helps some people, inspires others and possibly gets a few of us some well deserved answers not to mention a chuckle or two because we all need those.
Well I started off with a mammogram which led to an ultrasound which in turn let to a biopsy, as it turns out I have 3 lumps 2 the are qualifying as calcifications one seems to be a benign lump; all of the films are going to be sent to my gynecologist (whom I have only met once).
A few days later the gynecologist calls me, he calls not his nurse, the answer is it is cancer but he says if I have to have to have cancer this is the type to have (think that was supposed to make me feel better) and he recommended me to a surgeon.
Days later I meet the surgeon, now mind you up until this point I just know this is not happening to me and the surgeon is going to say this is all a mistake, the surgeon says a lot of things I don't understand but I do understand that I need a mastectomy as soon as possible and would I make an appointment for next week. I ask about the options for a lumpectomy and he said I can go have a contrast MRI, so grasping at straws I schedule that.
I show up for the MRI hobbling down the long hall, I hobble a lot because I have recently had back surgery and hobbling works for me lol. Well after I make it to the MRI room and the radiologist finds a vein (mine are very difficult, just like me I guess) He tells me that after the surgery the might never be able to use the veins for iv's or taking blood again in that arm but no idea why that would be.
After a weekend (and obviously no new answers) a good friend of mine talks me into going to a cancer treatment center for a second opinion, which I do and I guess the rest of my story starts there.
So that you all know I haven't really cried yet, I have no one to cry to and while that sounds really bad , I have some wonderful friends I mean the best of the best of friends. they best of which I am gonna call P just in case people I know read this, well P has a very busy life and the fact that she can't be here with me kills her, so I start a long line (well as long as month and a half is) of telling people "I will be fine don't worry about me only the good die young I will be here forever" The rest of my friends are just as fragile, some I have been helping for years and my sister A we lost our mother about 2 years ago she can't take it. I could go on but I won't.
I am going to let this incredibly long post stop here but I plan to post updates a lot and before you feel sorry for me please laugh with me at some of the silly things I get asked and will get askedand be angry with the things that make me angry and most of all let's share some information.
love to all
M.L.
Well I started off with a mammogram which led to an ultrasound which in turn let to a biopsy, as it turns out I have 3 lumps 2 the are qualifying as calcifications one seems to be a benign lump; all of the films are going to be sent to my gynecologist (whom I have only met once).
A few days later the gynecologist calls me, he calls not his nurse, the answer is it is cancer but he says if I have to have to have cancer this is the type to have (think that was supposed to make me feel better) and he recommended me to a surgeon.
Days later I meet the surgeon, now mind you up until this point I just know this is not happening to me and the surgeon is going to say this is all a mistake, the surgeon says a lot of things I don't understand but I do understand that I need a mastectomy as soon as possible and would I make an appointment for next week. I ask about the options for a lumpectomy and he said I can go have a contrast MRI, so grasping at straws I schedule that.
I show up for the MRI hobbling down the long hall, I hobble a lot because I have recently had back surgery and hobbling works for me lol. Well after I make it to the MRI room and the radiologist finds a vein (mine are very difficult, just like me I guess) He tells me that after the surgery the might never be able to use the veins for iv's or taking blood again in that arm but no idea why that would be.
After a weekend (and obviously no new answers) a good friend of mine talks me into going to a cancer treatment center for a second opinion, which I do and I guess the rest of my story starts there.
So that you all know I haven't really cried yet, I have no one to cry to and while that sounds really bad , I have some wonderful friends I mean the best of the best of friends. they best of which I am gonna call P just in case people I know read this, well P has a very busy life and the fact that she can't be here with me kills her, so I start a long line (well as long as month and a half is) of telling people "I will be fine don't worry about me only the good die young I will be here forever" The rest of my friends are just as fragile, some I have been helping for years and my sister A we lost our mother about 2 years ago she can't take it. I could go on but I won't.
I am going to let this incredibly long post stop here but I plan to post updates a lot and before you feel sorry for me please laugh with me at some of the silly things I get asked and will get askedand be angry with the things that make me angry and most of all let's share some information.
love to all
M.L.
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