Why I can't stop crying

It started yesterday, and everything is making my cry, it isn't help that my husband is yelling at me about everything and I mean everything! I have been strong up until this point, I have laughed with my friends even said that at least now my boobs would be even (one was always a little smaller than the other), I went to Jamaica with my best friend and was happy when she went and had fun. I played it down to everyone so they wouldn't feel too bad. I got new clothes (I am a little fat thanks to my back surgery). I have been strong I have been the warrior!

Then yesterday I realized something that none of my friends have realized or don't want to think about and I can't blame them. Every day we watch the cheery adds with the pink ribbons and all the walks and the rally's and the happy smiling faces telling us it's going to be alright, everything is going to be fine nothing to worry about we have pink ribbons!

I suddenly realized that it doesn't matter how many pink ribbons I wear, I have cancer and on March 22nd 2011 8:30am (eight days from now) I am going to have both of my breasts removed and hope and pray that my lymph nodes are clean. I am going to wake up with no breasts and some silicone blow up bags where they used to be , I am going to have scars that will rival the bride of Frankenstein  and that is just my vanity talking. The really scary part is I could die from so many things at that point., it's almost too much to comprehend.

I thought about doing this alone but I am not sure I can handle waking up without someone who loves me being there, the only problem is the way my husband and I have been fighting lately I am not sure he is that person anymore and it's not just petty little fights something has changed, I can feel it.

I am crying a lot, so much I can't talk on the phone and it is very hard to see the keyboard at times. Death means so many different things. I could just die from the anesthesia, it could have spread to my lymph nodes, I could get an infection, the what if's are endless and I can't  comprehend them all.

See no matter what happens when I wake up that day a part of me, the person I am right now, will be dead and gone hopefully the person that replaces her is strong and fearless and a true warrior, because the next part is going to cause lots of reasons to be fearless .... chemo, radiation, my hair falling out, my eyebrows falling out, just a whole new set of fun to deal with. I think that might be why I can't stop crying

well I have my last appointment with my oncologist before my surgery next week in about an hour so I guess I will say good bye and good luck for now.