As the date of the surgery gets closer and I get a little more freaked out every day. I can't explain the feeling I have to anyone I know, I have tried over and over again in small doses and they just can't handle it so mostly I am left to deal with these feelings pretty much alone. I talked a good friend tonight and he knows that I am going to Jamaica for a few days before the surgery and I tried to tell him about how scared I was about the two doctors disagreeing on the size and treatment of the cancer but he couldn't handle it he kept giving me advice about Ocho Rios (where we are going) I have been there a few times and don't need advice about that, I need ad vice about my friends coming to the surgery.
That's my big problem now, I have friends coming out of the woodwork that want to be there for surgery and I don't think I want anyone there. I am gong to by crying and pain and I don't hink I can handle the pity I will see in their eyes, I can barely handle the pressure of this by myself I don't want to have to tell anyone else that I am going to be fine. I don't know if I am going to be fine, hell I don't know if I am gonna live so hoe do I keep telling everyone I am gonna be fine..
well I guess the next person that says "I am gonna be there for you" I am going to have to tell them no and I just don't know how to do that.
oh well just like everything it's all new and I will figure it ou.
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